I can’t believe I didn’t win the Edinburgh Best Joke award

The Pina Colliders performing improv shrort form

‘I can’t wait to get back to London and write down all my Fringe recommendations,” I said to myself half way through our Fringe run.

Two, maybe even three weeks later, here we are and not a review in sight. To my fellow Fringe performers, I am sorry. Honestly, I did plan on telling everyone how amazing Alison Thea-Skot’s show was and how I nearly cried during Alice Fraser’s set but… Fringe fatigue, you understand.

Now the Fringe is over and my well intentioned blog post is about as useful as Cameron’s refugee comments. However, if there’s one thing the Fringe taught me, it’s that nothing in life can’t be solved with a good joke (and a large donation at the end of a show).

I won’t lie to you, I was pretty disappointed when I saw that my jokes had failed to pick up that shiny best joke award. I mean, what is this? A competition based on merit? Unbelievable.

As an improviser, not only was I creating new jokes every night but I was doing it on the spot too. Like some kind of joke robot, I had transcended the human body and reached a humour field beyond our mere mortal comprehension. Not that I’m bragging or anything.

How do you create jokes in improv comedy? Well, if you’ve seen Who’s Line is it Anyway, you’ll know that improv (specifcally short-form improv, don’t worry about the technical terms though. It’s all just pratting around) is made up of games. One of the hardest games known to improvisers is… 185. The rules to this challenge are simple, the audience shout out a word and you have the make a bar joke on the lines of: “185 (things) walk into a bar and…”

I don’t want to say I rocked this game but it’s essentially an excuse to use puns so… it was like butter and jam my friends. Here are the five top 185 jokes of mine that should have definitely gotten me the top crown (and again remember, that the subject of all these jokes was chosen by other people. Any offense is on their heads):

  • ” 185 chairs walk into a bar and one of them says: ‘sorry guys, just have to pop to the toilet. My doctor needs a STOOL SAMPLE!'”

By the way, yes I will be capitalizing all the puns. Please imagine the look of joy on my face as I yelled them at a room full of people. A cross between manically insane and smug.

Also, you’ll notice in that joke that chairs are talking. This is very meta (I don’t know what Meta means but I assume it can be applied to chairs talking) and therefore makes me ABSTRACT and COOL.

  • “185 Jack and Roses from the Titanic walk into a bar and they say: ‘I got a SINKING FEELING about this joke.'”

Oh wait, I just remembered what meta means. This is meta, not the talking chairs thing. My point on being cool still stands.

Also, the audience gave us a really long subject  here so the rhythm is kind off but I think you’ll all agree that by powering through that I am a comic hero.

  • “185 cowboys walk into a bar and one of them looks around and says: ‘hey has anyone seen Cowboy Jimmy?’ and another replies: ‘oh haven’t you heard? He was caught with Billy the Kid.”

Now the audience did not get this joke until a mouthed out ‘it’s a Savile joke’ – at which point they still didn’t laugh and just looked disgusted. But this just shows how daring I am or maybe that I’ve just become a bit of a twat. One of the two.

  • “185 policemen walk into a bar and one of them goes up to a girl and says: ‘hey, mind if I COP a feel?'”

Okay so most of my jokes were about sex but our show was at 1am. I was giving the people what they wanted!

And now finally, my best joke that (like the Savile one) might be a bit too inappropriate is…

  • “185 terrorists walk into a bar and one goes up to a lady and says: ‘hey gurl, you JIHAD ME at hello.'”

Now I know what you’re thinking. ‘Well it’s not politically correct but at least she didn’t do an illustration of it‘. And to you reader I say – you don’t know me at all!

What can I say? I love puns.

Sorry Dapper Laughs, we’ve heard it all before

Dapper Laughs - thinking the word Boob

I’m sorry Mr. Dapper Laughs but I’m here to inform you that your comedy has already been done. The punchline has already been punched – just like a woman! HAHA! You see what I just did there? I made a joke about domestic violence and it was funny (presumably) because 2 women a week die in the UK from such abuse. I bet you wish you had thought it up! And this is what I mean, all jokes about women have already been done.

The patriarchy has been in effect for the last 200,000 years, assuming that homo sapiens idaltu were as sexist as you. Even if they weren’t, it’s fair to say that men have been dominating the jokesphere for most of civilisation. I mean, female acts still only account for 17% of all entertainment at The Edinburgh Fringe (keep in mind this is the highest percentage in the history of the Fringe and that we live in 2015). So I think it’s safe to say, that all jokes at the expense of women have been done.

They’re over.

It’s all been said.

After thousands of years the arse in which these jokes have been pulled from has run out of gas.

But just in case, Dapper Laughs, you have been living in a bubble for most of your life and do genuinely believe that your sex offender-esque humour is something new, I have compiled a list of all women-based jokes that have been told through history.

Because we’ve all heard the one about:

How women can’t drive
Can’t play sport
Can’t understand sport
Can’t manage money
Spend too much money
Shop too much
Clean too much
Don’t clean enough
Should clean more
Should make sandwiches
Should only be making sandwiches
Should give blow-jobs
Are great at blow-jobs
Are shit at blow-jobs
Should be doing more blow-jobs
Be having more sex
Be having less sex
Stop looking like sluts
Look more like sluts
Only care about babies
Want more babies
Can only talk about babies
Talk too much
Talk too much about men
Talk too much about other women
Are not funny
Are total bitches
Are total whores
Are total prudes
Are all liars
Are all lying about getting raped
Are all lying about getting punched
Deserved to get raped
Deserved to get punch
Need a ‘right seeing to’
Need a man
Need a husband
Need to be quiet
Need to be grateful

And finally, need to stop hearing terrible jokes about women from men.

There you go Dapper Laughs. All the women jokes. So now that you know your services aren’t needed, you can go back into the primordial ooze from which you came.