I can’t believe I didn’t win the Edinburgh Best Joke award

The Pina Colliders performing improv shrort form

‘I can’t wait to get back to London and write down all my Fringe recommendations,” I said to myself half way through our Fringe run.

Two, maybe even three weeks later, here we are and not a review in sight. To my fellow Fringe performers, I am sorry. Honestly, I did plan on telling everyone how amazing Alison Thea-Skot’s show was and how I nearly cried during Alice Fraser’s set but… Fringe fatigue, you understand.

Now the Fringe is over and my well intentioned blog post is about as useful as Cameron’s refugee comments. However, if there’s one thing the Fringe taught me, it’s that nothing in life can’t be solved with a good joke (and a large donation at the end of a show).

I won’t lie to you, I was pretty disappointed when I saw that my jokes had failed to pick up that shiny best joke award. I mean, what is this? A competition based on merit? Unbelievable.

As an improviser, not only was I creating new jokes every night but I was doing it on the spot too. Like some kind of joke robot, I had transcended the human body and reached a humour field beyond our mere mortal comprehension. Not that I’m bragging or anything.

How do you create jokes in improv comedy? Well, if you’ve seen Who’s Line is it Anyway, you’ll know that improv (specifcally short-form improv, don’t worry about the technical terms though. It’s all just pratting around) is made up of games. One of the hardest games known to improvisers is… 185. The rules to this challenge are simple, the audience shout out a word and you have the make a bar joke on the lines of: “185 (things) walk into a bar and…”

I don’t want to say I rocked this game but it’s essentially an excuse to use puns so… it was like butter and jam my friends. Here are the five top 185 jokes of mine that should have definitely gotten me the top crown (and again remember, that the subject of all these jokes was chosen by other people. Any offense is on their heads):

  • ” 185 chairs walk into a bar and one of them says: ‘sorry guys, just have to pop to the toilet. My doctor needs a STOOL SAMPLE!'”

By the way, yes I will be capitalizing all the puns. Please imagine the look of joy on my face as I yelled them at a room full of people. A cross between manically insane and smug.

Also, you’ll notice in that joke that chairs are talking. This is very meta (I don’t know what Meta means but I assume it can be applied to chairs talking) and therefore makes me ABSTRACT and COOL.

  • “185 Jack and Roses from the Titanic walk into a bar and they say: ‘I got a SINKING FEELING about this joke.'”

Oh wait, I just remembered what meta means. This is meta, not the talking chairs thing. My point on being cool still stands.

Also, the audience gave us a really long subject  here so the rhythm is kind off but I think you’ll all agree that by powering through that I am a comic hero.

  • “185 cowboys walk into a bar and one of them looks around and says: ‘hey has anyone seen Cowboy Jimmy?’ and another replies: ‘oh haven’t you heard? He was caught with Billy the Kid.”

Now the audience did not get this joke until a mouthed out ‘it’s a Savile joke’ – at which point they still didn’t laugh and just looked disgusted. But this just shows how daring I am or maybe that I’ve just become a bit of a twat. One of the two.

  • “185 policemen walk into a bar and one of them goes up to a girl and says: ‘hey, mind if I COP a feel?'”

Okay so most of my jokes were about sex but our show was at 1am. I was giving the people what they wanted!

And now finally, my best joke that (like the Savile one) might be a bit too inappropriate is…

  • “185 terrorists walk into a bar and one goes up to a lady and says: ‘hey gurl, you JIHAD ME at hello.'”

Now I know what you’re thinking. ‘Well it’s not politically correct but at least she didn’t do an illustration of it‘. And to you reader I say – you don’t know me at all!

What can I say? I love puns.

How to pack for The Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2015

fringe

Okay so there’s three days to Edinburgh, time to think about packing. Have I got enough socks? Underwear? Shit, I don’t have enough underwear. Why do I only have eight pairs of knickers? I bet the rest are at Jack’s – being in a relationship is a real knickers juggling act. Okay, I’ll just buy more knickers. And socks, I really don’t have enough socks and it would be nice to have a matching pair again. Maybe I’ll go to H&M or into town to the big Primark… actually, scratch that. Never Primark. And actually, I’m too tired to shop. But I’ll definitely get round to it. Tomorrow.

Okay, only two days to Edinburgh. Time for a BIG wash. Should I separate lights from darks? No, that’s too much of a faff. Just throw it all in together. That’ll do. Now I’ll just put in the washing stuff and… we’re out of powder. And conditioner. Great – off to the shop. Now do I buy a cheap powder and a nice fabric softner or do I go for one of those ‘all in one’ tablets. Hmm… I feel like the tablets are a rip off. OH! This washing gel is on offer, Jack uses this. But does it need softner too? I know Jack doesn’t use fabric softner but he’s hardly a domestic goddess, so how does he smell? Have I ever found his clothes lacking in flowery odour? Can’t actually remember the last time I smelt him. Does he even have a scent? God, what if I’m dating an odourless person? Fuck it, I’ll get the gel.

Right, the day before I set off to Edinburgh. I’m in H&M, things are getting done. OoOoooOooo those flares are nice! I’ve always thought I would look good in flares – fuck it, I’ll get them. Size 14, play it safe. I bet they won’t fit though, just because the universe is a knob like that. Might as well get some tops to go with them. Oh! I can get that feminist t-shirt I saw last time. Maybe this vaguely French one too? Oh and definitely this black top with moons on it. I like moons. Hmm… actually, maybe I shouldn’t get the French one. Am I a big enough spender for three new tops? No, I’m not. Put it back.

Now should I get a hoodie? They’re not really my style but I guess one would be useful. Hmm… £15, for something I’m not even fussed about. I bet Primark will have one cheaper. Yeah, never say never to Primark. I’ll go while I’m up there. Maybe… Oh shit! Socks and knickers! Just quickly shove them in my basket at the till. Great. Very productive. Excellent shopping trip.

Back home, I’ll pack once I try on these new flares. Hmm… a little hard to get them past the thigh. Have to suck it in a bit to get the zip done up. Christ, this is ridiculous. I am a slim(ish) person, how can I need a size 16? Maybe they’ll stretch. They look good but that is because they’re holding everything in. Maybe I’m just not used to fitted clothing; most of my other trousers do have elastic waists.

Fuck it, I’m sure they’ll wear in and I’ll only wear them when I don’t need to sit down. I’ll just go to all the standing shows.

Like this photo, my packing lacks focus.

Like this photo, my packing lacks focus.

Now time to pack. After dinner. Yeah, do it after dinner. After this episode of Him & Her. After two episodes. Three. Might as well finish the series if I’m this far gone. Okay, now time to pack! Although I am tired, could I get all this packing done in the morning? Is that too… rebellious? Am I a rebel?

No I’m not, can’t believe I’m even entertaining the thought. Best get all that washing off the clothes horse. What should I take and what should I leave behind? Obviously the tiger onesie is a yes but should I take a jacket? Hmm… I’ll leave that to the spur of the moment. Yes to that, yes to this, no to that, no, no, yes, yes, yes, fuck it yeah, no, yes, yes. I’ll grab that and just tuck this in the side. Should I pack a nice going out dress? No.

Bag looks pretty full now, that’s as good as the packing being done. I’ll leave the rest to morning Heather.

Morning of departure – nothing gets you in the mood for a long day of travel like waking up to the sound of foxes having sex. Why do foxes have sex like that? Why do they sound like babies crying? Hmm… maybe I should ponder these thoughts after I get the rest of my packing done. Thanks a lot, night Heather.

Okay, toiletries packed. Toothbrush packed (haha, screw you toothbrush I bet you thought I would forget you!). Laptop packed WITH charger – boom. Other electricals get shoved in with their chargers. Towel. Sleeping bag – though this doesn’t mean anything if I leave it on the train. Must not leave it on the train. Speaking of train, best pack a book. I am an intellectual.

Shoes are in there. I’ve got my tickets in my bag, the app downloaded on my phone. What else? Oh yes, a jacket! Big decision time, yey or ney to the jacket. I’m going to go with… YES! Shove it in, shove everything in!

And I’m done. The ordeal is complete. All I have to do now is board a train and write it all up in a blog post. Speaking of which, that too is now done. Cracking.