New Year, New Less Branded Me

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Oh my blog, my sweet beautiful blog.

If our relationship had a physical form, you would be a well meaning girl and I would be the sexy bad boy who keeps jerking you around. I always SAY I’m going to call, I always SAY I can change, I always SAY I’ll keep a consistent blogging pattern. But what do I do? I let you down. Worst – I let myself down*.

*Okay, maybe not myself, because not writing a blog usually means I’m on Tumblr, obsessing over the Michonne and Rick Grimes ship, and I love shipping. I really do.

But now that’s it’s 2016, I’ve decided to be honest with you blog. No more Mr.Cool-Aloof-Guy. Because the truth is, I our whole relationship started on the wrong foot. I didn’t start you because I’m a word-smithing-genius who needed a creative outlet. I started you because it seemed like a smart career move. Like it was the right thing to do if I wanted to get into digital media/social media/THE media. In short – it seemed very on brand.

Starting you merely to say I’ve started you was wrong, blog. Sure, we had our good times and sometimes I actually wrote something to be genuinely proud of… but often I just wrote what I thought I should write. Often I tried to sound like other bloggers, such as GirlLostintheCity or SuperlativelyRude – who are great, by the way, but they’re not me.

However, blog, I’m here yet again with a declaration of change.

I’m different now. I don’t try to guess at what I should be doing, but instead know what I want to be doing. I have projects. Goals. BIG CREATIVE DREAMS! Things that now inspire me because I find them inspiring, not because I’m trying to jump onto a hashtag on Twitter. You and me, blog, we can do something special. Create a showcase of the real Heather Shaw, without any of this futile imagining of what my brand should be.

Of course, we’ll have our challenges. Some of what appears on here might be a little messy. It could be 1,000 words or 100. It could be a picture, a podcast, or even a dick pic – JOKE! Obviously, a dick pic comes under the picture heading. But it’ll all be a reflection of me. Hopefully a lot of me. Seriously, I’ll update you more.

And who knows… maybe one day, in a future where Boris Johnson rules us with an iron fist, we’ll be able to look at each other and say: “finally, all our web traffic doesn’t come from those man porn, dick pic blogs”.

Let’s dream big, blog. You and me.

The Five Best Things to Happen in 2012

Someday, when I’m rich and have the time or the energy to do so, I will start a club. Well, not a club per say, more like a support group, like the AA, or ‘Giving up Crack for Beginners’, or ‘I Can’t Hold Down a Job Because I Spend All My Time Watching Cat Videos’ support groups. Except, instead of talking about substance abuse, my support group will provide counselling for those people who suffer from being a December Baby.

December Babies have a terrible time. Not only do we have to celebrate our birthdays while freezing our balls off, we don’t even get the benefit of having a proper birthday. We have half-birthdays. Birthday’s that consist of having presents that double-up as Christmas presents.

“Just so you know, I’ve not got you a lot for your twentieth because your of what you got for Christmas.”

“Mum you got me socks.”

“I know, socks from Marks and Spencers no less.”

“But-“

“One hundred percent cotton AND I got you both ankle and knee-highs.”

“And for my birthday you’ve got me…”

“Just ankle socks, it’s hard to top Christmas.”

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Yes, being a December Baby sucks balls. And then there’s the extra bonus points for people like myself, whose birthday also falls on a national holiday. Just to clarify – today is my birthday. New Years Freaking Eve. Other people have it worse, there are some unlucky suckers who crawled out of their mother’s vag at Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or Boxing Day. To these people, I offer my condolences.

I know what it’s like to spend your entire birthday jumping up and down screaming: “No forget the New Year and all your ‘I’m going to change my life’ bullshit AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME! No I don’t want to go your NYE house party Jane, no Steve I don’t want to smoke a joint and reminiscence about your 2012 wank-a-thon – I WANT YOU ALL TO CELEBRATE MY BIRTH!”

But after twenty-one years of screaming, I’ve come to realise that it’s better to just go with the flow with these kind of things. So Steve, pass me that joint (and by joint I mean bottle of Bucks Fizz, because you can only drink the stuff during this time of year, and also because DRUGS ARE BAD KIDS) and lets reminisce about all the good times we’ve had this year.

And I’ll try and forget about the fact I had to remind my boyfriend to buy me a bloody cake.

First Good Thing to Happen in 2012:

Erm I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this enough yet, but I just turned 21. Like, the big Two. One. Which I’ve heard is a big deal because… erm, I can drink in America and… can… do my taxes? Why does everyone in the UK make such a big deal about this age mile stone? Do I finally get a Blue Peter Badge?

Second Good Thing to Happen in 2012:

Peter Jackson finally got round to making The Hobbit and what’s even better, is that it has FIT DWARVES. Like, dwarves you would actually want to shag. If that isn’t a modern day accomplishment, I don’t know what is.

Third Good Thing to Happen in 2012:

Not that we made a big deal about this or anything, but did you know that Britain hosted the Olympic Games this year? And I don’t know if you caught the Opening Ceremony but… it was pretty epic. I mean, okay China had like a million drummers but we had The Queen jumping out of a helicopter WITH JAMES BOND! AND VOLDAMORT! Oh and we also have free speech and a democracy so SUCK IT CHINA!

Fourth Good Thing to Happen in 2012:

I finally went on a proper grown-up holiday with my boyfriend to Rhodes in Greece. No adults, just none stop shagging. And by shagging I mean eating, and then going back to the hotel and having my boyfriend rub my food baby belly. I had a food baby for so long that I actually named it Jerry the Belly, though for some reason my boyfriend complained that our sexy holiday didn’t live up to his sexpectations – weird.

And the Fifth Best Thing to Happen in 2012:

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I started blogging!

Yes this was the year that signed up to blogspot and start my blogging journey under the name Wizardfaces. Then I changed it to LadyBitsandBobs. And then I moved from blogspot to wordpress. But my blog scitzophenia aside, me and my blogs have had some good times. Like remember when I wrote a blog about vaginas? Or when I wrote about the ‘No More Page 3’ campaign and the campaign people actually read and reblogged it? Or how about when one reader sent in a request that I go on Skype so he could wank over my virtual face?

Yes, me and this blog have had some good time.

And to keep this good times going,  I’ve made the big leap forward and bought my domain. Making this blog THE OFFICAL LadyBitsandBobs.com. Hopefully with this professional domain change, I will also find professional success in the new year.

So if any of you happen to be working for The Guardian, or if you happen to be Mr. Murdoch and you fancy giving me a job come my graduation in July, that would be amazing – it is my birthday after all.