Five Ways to Avoid the Social Mine-Fields Surrounding Thatcher’s Death

If someone had asked me a week ago what Britain would be like in the wake of Thatchers death, I would have simply shrugged and said – who would really care?

This isn’t to say that I’m not historically aware of her contribution to British politics and the role she played in shaping today’s wealth gap between those at the top and those at the bottom – trust me, I’m lefty enough to know she’s pretty much the anti-christ of liberal politics. But the truth is, as a 90s kid, I just can’t get THAT fumed up by her passing.

I mean, up until now, how much of Britain knew she had lived to see the 2013 Olympics?

But then, of course, she did, unfortunately for her family, pass away this week. And much to my apathetic-MTV-generation surprise, Britain has truly lost its mind in the wake of her parting. Did you see Twitter when it was announced? To tweet on such a day was to wade through politically stagnant water that had been festering since the 1970s.

You just can’t escape from Thatcher at the moment.

She’s either being hailed as feminist icon in newspapers, or getting flayed alive on the internet for being the woman that killed Billy Eliot. She’s even invaded the UK Top 40!

Uncanny

Uncanny

I’m starting to worry that one day soon I’ll wake up and find a Tory stealing away my milk. Is this what growing up in the 80s was like? If so I have a new found respect for Calvin Harris.

Of course, the real tragedy of Thatcher’s death is the social roadkill that is now slowly clogging up the internet. The washed up remains of internet users can be found bobbing up to the surface of your laptop right after said user has typed a phrase like:

  • Who is this Thatcher bloke, is he a new Archer’s character?
  • Thatcher is trending – are people with cottages struggling to get their roofs done up?

AND

  • I just don’t GET why people don’t like Thatcher!

Twitter police are still pulling bodies out of the tweeting river with notes saying – OMGZ! COAL MINES! EFFIN’ COAL MINES!!

With Thatcher’s funeral set for this Wednesday, I figured I would prepare you all for the political slaughter that is no doubt going to ensue on the internet and in hipster coffee shops on that day. The advice below mostly applies to people on the Left side of politics, any Made in Chelsea cast members reading this might want to look elsewhere for some haphazard social advice for next week.

1. When visiting your traditionally Tory relatives and they ask you if you’re sad about Thatcher (and you don’t want to start a heated debate about Poll-Tax) try watching Billy Eliot beforehand and use the emotional tear welling to imply the sadness your relatives are expecting. This way your grandparents can still live in the delusion that all good people are Tories, and you can still hold onto your righteous anger without making your Grandmother cry as you throw breadline statistics in her face yelling SHE MADE THE BREADLINE! SHE IS THE HOVIS OF OUR POVERTY!

2. Want to try and sound like you know your stuff when it comes to Thatcher but can’t actually be bothered to read all those long articles that pop up on your google search? Why not try a little political SEO and throw buzzwords into conversations, followed by an angry face and a thick Northern expression of ‘that’s why!’

Examples: “POLL TAX – that’s why!”

“12% UNEMPLOYMENT – that’s why!”

“HOUSING CRISIS – that’s why!”

“HIGHER VAT – that’s why!”

In a perfect world you would know what these phrases referred to but life is short and I think there’s a new meme about cats on Reddit.

3. People keep calling Thatcher a feminist icon and you want a way of disagreeing without coming across as a total dick for slating a woman who’s not even buried yet. Simply keep a picture of Eve Ensler on your phone and whenever the question is breached, look down at said picture and stroke it tenderly saying ‘such a good feminist… so feministy…’ You can also take this picture into a secluded place – like the a ladies toilet stall – and hold Eve Ensler’s face to your face and whisper ‘I’m talking about you, it’s ALL about you, my precious’. Problem solved.

Did you ever know that you’re my hero – something, something – WIND BENEATH MY WINGS!

4. DO NOT WATCH THE WIZARD OF OZ WITH YOUR SPEAKERS UP FULL! You don’t want you-know-which-song (it partly rhymes with Ping-Pong) to come on and have your neighbours think you’re having a Thatcher death day party.

And on that note, death day parties are only cool if they take place in Hogwarts and if they have Peeves the ghost spitting sick rhymes. Anything less is just a bit sad.

His is the only deathday worth going to.

5. Try not to think about what the apparent £10 million that’s being spent on Thatcher’s funeral. Seriously don’t.

Don’t think about how that money could be put into local communities.

Don’t think about how that money could be used to fund 370 university tuitions.

Don’t think about how many new council houses that could build.

Don’t think about how many libraries that could support.

Don’t think about all the charities that could save.

Just don’t think about it…

If you find you can’t get along with any of these pointers, just try avoiding grabbing your right-minded friends by the shoulders in public places and yelling in their face – THATCHER HATED POOR PEOPLE, THATCHER HATED THE POOR, SHE WAS THE EVIL SHERRIFF FROM ROBIN HOOD!

Trust me; it just makes conversation afterwards a little #awkward.

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