The Great British Bread Class Calculator

Between Paul Hollywood’s latest bread show, the Great British Sowing Bee, Super Scrimpers’ Make Do & Mend philosophy, and the audacious BBC and LSE class system survey, I am now convinced that somehow Britain has leaped through space and time to arrive back in the 1950s.

I don’t know how we’ve managed it; maybe it’s because of the recession, or the fact we have a Tory government – maybe the combination of all the BBC and ITV period dramas that have been coming out has caused some kind of tear in the fabric of time…

Either way, as a woman from a working-class background (sorry, I mean precarious proletariat background) I am now too busy making my tea towels into handy peg bags and being financially insecure to fully digest our new society of restrictive class and gender roles, so I thought why not cover ALL the bases.

Why don’t we just combine all the things and make a BREAD CLASS SYSTEM! That way, when I’m stuck in a passionless marriage with three kids I don’t particularly like, I can figure out exactly what bread I should get up at 6am to make for them by looking in the mirror and going “oh, I’m now technical middle-class – FOCACCIA IT IS!”

If you too would like to base your meandering and soul-draining life choices on a class system that is both utter bollocks yet also instructive in the ways of yeast, then simply apply whatever ludicrous class assignment the BBC gave you to the list below.

As Paul Hollywood would say, it’s all in the proving.

SOURDOUGH AKA The Elite

The Elite group is described by the BBC as being the wealthiest and most privileged group in the UK. People in this group have the most money, good taste (they go to like, museums and stuff), and lots of RICH FRIENDS! They also tend to come from privileged background – no duh.

Sourdough bread incidentally has been crowded as the most expensive loaf of bread – twice.  The first time in recent memory was by the hands of Paul Hollywood (rich friend) who made a £15 loaf for Harrods that had French cheese in it (culture). The newest posh load costs £21 and is called the Shepherd Loaf – it comes from a 55-year-old recipe (privileged background) and apparently you can ‘taste the difference’ which is why it costs so much.

Likewise, I imagine if you lick someone from Eton they would certainly taste better than those comprehensive school boys, who just taste like poor people’s tears – urg.

FOCACCIA AKA Established Middle Class

The second wealthiest class, the BBC says these people enjoy a ‘diverse range of cultural activities’ and like to socialise with a broad range of people. Apparently poor people don’t like to talk to other humans, presumably because they’re too busy shivering in their one bedroom holes avoiding the bedroom tax. So it’s a good thing we have these rich people doing the socializing for us.

Likewise the focaccia is a bit of a pretentious and attention seeking dick. It can’t just be satisfied being just bread; it needs to be a whole meal. This yeasted bread is from Italy so it’s got the culture thing down, and you can buy a whole variety of toppings to put on top of it – a diverse range of toppings you might say.

From olives to herbs, your focaccia can shmooze with the best of them. Just make sure it doesn’t get too involved with those toppings that can bring down its social standing, like the cleaner or lorry driver toppings.

DOUGHNUT AKA Technical Middle Class

People from this class don’t like to mix with people outside of their class boundary but they do like social media, which is kind of a contradiction because the last time I checked, you can’t do a class filter on social media. But what do I know?

Because the technical middle class focus on working in science and ‘technical occupations’ they get assigned the doughnut. It’s tricky to make (seriously, watch the Great British Bake Off when this got assigned – drama) and the hole in the middle represents the walled off existence these people apparently lead.

TIGER BREAD AKA New Affluent Workers

I think this class is supposed to be filled with the young professional types that go on The Apprentice. People in this group are young, who have high scores in ‘emerging culture’ – also known as twitter and facebook. They don’t really like the highbrow stuff. And they usually come from a working class background – hurray!

To celebrate their working class roots, I think they should be represented by the tiger bread. It’s not proper posh bread, like that Paul Hollywood loaf, but it’s still a bit fancy and a little bit of a treat from the usual old toasting crap.

The name tiger bread can also symbolize the ferocious blood lust these individuals have in the board room as they kill their competitors, all in the name of climbing the social ladder #inspirational.

WHITE BREAD AKA Traditional Working Class

The average age is 66, they own their own house, and before retirement they were lorry drivers, cleaners and electricians. Old people, as we know, don’t like a lot of stuff. The survey says they don’t like emerging culture (how many nans have facebook?) and there isn’t any mention of the culture they do like. They also don’t like talking to people outside of their social standing.

All they really have is financial security and presumably the promise of a welcome death and exit from their dreary lives of nothingness. Awesome.

White bread is an old staple in Britain that exists day to day on the shelves without anyone paying much attention to it. It’s just there… you toast it, you eat it, and then it’s gone…

FLATBREAD AKA Emergent Service Workers

Emergent Service Workers and I have a bit of a thing going on as every time I’ve taken this test this is result I end up with. It’s pretty accurate in the sense that yes I have no money (I’m a student, who does?) and I like twitter – that fucking 140 character addiction.

So basically I’m a poor hipster – sweet.

Flatbread is a great metaphor for me and my people. It sounds fancy and we can big it up with talk of it being ‘exotic’ and something we ‘picked up on my gap yar’. All this hyped up cultural bullshit is just a cover up for the reality that it’s just flour and water.

Just flour…. and water…. *sigh*

ASH AKA Precariat

YOU HAVE NO MONEY, NO CULTURE, NO FRIENDS AND YOU DON’T EVEN OWN YOUR HOUSE! LOOK AT YOU, YOU DON’T DESERVE BREAD! YOU’D PROBABLY SELL IT FOR DRUG MONEY! GET OUT OF HERE POOR PERSON, GO ON, SHOOO! AWAY WITH YOU, YOU REPRUCUSSION OF THE WELFARE STATE!

*HISSSSSSSSS*

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