No Sandwiches – Bengali Salmon Parcels

No Sandwiches is a new feature where I provide hap-hazard cooking advice, without conforming to the patriarchal idea that all women belong in the kitchen making men sandwiches. It is a feature that is supposed to say, yes I am a woman, yes I like cooking, but you can bloody take this recipe and make your own food, you lazy bastard. If you like this feature and would like to see more recipes from myself, let me know in the comments.  

I am a foodie trapped in a poor student’s body.

Now granted this isn’t the most confusing/real body identity crisis, but it does become a problem when it comes round to meal time, namely when I get a craving for something other than fish fingers next to carbs (eg. next to chips, between two slices of bread).

Pollack covered in bread crumbs is all very well and good, but when I can get my hands on some real fish, I want to do something special with it.

This week I was lucky enough to find some salmon in the bargain bin (‘reduced to clear section’ to you fancy people), which is the only way I ever get my hands on some quality fish/meat. So I wanted a recipe I could treat myself to. I figured I might as well conform to the student ‘gap-yah‘ stereotype and go for something vaguely Asian, so I opted for Bengali Salmon. I also made all my food to the tunes of Chase and Status – cool students like Chase and Status, right?

I found the recipe on BBCGoodFood but because I’m poor I’ve had to modify it a little because… well, what 20 year old has a bloody food processor?


Notice how you can see the reduced price on the salmon, I left it on because I’m classy.


  • Salmon – one per person, but I ate two cause I’m greedy.
  • 1 tsp each ground cumin, turmeric, and dried coriander
  • 1 tbsp wholegrain mustard
  • 1 lemon
  • 3cm piece root ginger, peeled and sliced
  • 1 garlic clove, peeled
  • 2 green chillies, seeded and sliced
  • 200ml fat-free Greek yogurt
  • 300g cooked green beans , to serve
  • 200g cooked basmati rice , to serve

1. Rub the salmon with the turmeric, cumin, coriander, mustard and some seasoning. Squeeze some lemon in there to make it more paste like.  Leave to marinate for a few hours or overnight.



2. In the original recipe it said to use a food processor, but obviously I don’t have one, so here’s what I did instead. Chop up your ginger, garlic, and chillies and put them in a pestle and mortar before bashing the shit out of them.  Once pummelled into a paste, mix in your yogurt with a bit of salt.

Even tastier... Just look at that glorious mush of flavour.

Just look at that glorious mush of flavour.

3. Spread your yogurt mess onto the salmon. In the original recipe you’re meant to use tin foil to create a parcel, but I ran out so here’s how I improvised… Take a big sheet of grease proof paper, cut it into a circle like you would when lining a cake tin (google that shit) and then place your salmon in the middle of the circle. Now get a stapler and staple that baby up around the edges to create a nice place for your fish to steam. Cook in the over at 220C/ fan 200C/ Gas 7 for 8-15 minutes (depending on whether or not you’ve got a shitty student house oven).

I'm like MacGyver, only with a vagina.

I’m like MacGyver, only with a vagina.

4. Once cooked, take the salmon out and sprinkle some left-over chillies over the top. Serve with rice, green beans (I boiled them and dressed them in lemon juice with seasoning), a wedge of lemon, and a dollop of that yogurt mess you made before.

Here's what your meal is supposed to look like...

Here’s what your meal is supposed to look like…


and here’s what mine actually turned out as… You’ll notice that I didn’t bother with this one fish per person nonsense because I eat like a champion and gave myself a real bloody portion.

2 thoughts on “No Sandwiches – Bengali Salmon Parcels

  1. Pingback: Man Porn: Ewan McGregor (and more penis) | Lady Bits and Bobs

  2. “what 20 year old has a bloody food processor?” thank you thank you!
    I don’t even have a proper mortar and pestle. What I do is put the stuff on a chopping board and roll over them with great pressure using a full tin of something.

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