I haven’t been a very good blogger lately. As a privileged white girl, I have no trouble telling you that my lack of updating isn’t my fault. First of all my university has been all you need to do some work now. And then this internship I signed up for it like you need to do some writing now. And then life in general has been all seriously you’re graduating in four month, you need to get some job prospects now!
All of these I feel are valid reasons as to why I haven’t been writing. But to be honest, the big reason I haven’t been writing is men. Namely grizzy, shouldn’t-be-looking-at-him-like-that, dirty, probably-mid-40s men from TV.
I mean, pretty TV boys like Chad Michael Murray are just SO noughties. It’s 2013 now and we’ve all moved on from the hairless boys from Gilmore Girls. We’re like women now and need some serious man candy for our serious burning loins.
And I’ve often heard that a problem shared is a problem halved, which makes me think that if I share my shameful television man crushes with the internet then that’s even better than halving it because thousands of people will be lifting that monkey off of my back!
Plus I figured I can’t be the only one living with the burden of staring as scarred, wrinkled, older men, who beat other characters to bloody pulps on screen with adoring heart shaped eyes. I know this because I’ve been on tumblr and tumblr-bitches will ship anything with a storyline.
For half the year I fawn over Jerome Flynn in Game of Thrones when he’s playing the whore-munching, sell sword Bronn. But more recently I’ve become more accustomed to seeing him in my wet dreams as Sgt. Bennet Drake from Ripper Street. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a Bronn shaped hole in my knickers, but I just feel like Sgt. Bennet Drake has more going for him. For one thing he’s ginger, and I have a soft spot for anyone who can’t be in the sun too long. And secondly he has tattoos, but like, Victorian tattoos which is just so hipster because he had them before they were cool and every 18 year old from the South started getting them on their gap year.
Plus he’s killed people, which in real life is a no no, but in TV crime dramas is a YES YES! It means I can heal his tortured soul with my vagina, tumblr knows what I mean, right shippers?
Game of Thrones is like my greatest fetish realised – there’s just so many men! But definitely out of all of them, my biggest unmentionable crush has to be Theon Greyjoy. Sure I might go around saying I want to pop Jon Snow’s cherry, but realistically I want a man that knows what he’s doing, and boy has Theon built up quite a resume.
Nice cock Alfie Allen
Sadly as a reader of the ASOIAF I know old Theon hasn’t got the nicest time ahead of him, in fact, I’m not sure his impressive piece will make it to season 5, which is why we have to savour sex fiend Theon Greyjoy now while we still have him. That’s right clutch to your season 1 and 2 boxsets ladies and remember what Theon is now before March 31st comes and makes you more inclined to hold Theon tenderly to your breast in comfort, than swab the decks with his naked body.
Of course you could probably do both.
If there’s one thing myself and the internet can’t say no to, it’s a hillbilly with a heart of gold. Throw in a crossbow and a horde of flesh eating zombies, and it’s practically the porno we’ve all been longing for. I must admit that I’m quite new to The Walking Dead fandom, by the time I heard about it properly most people were telling me not to bother because it was in the ‘forget zombies, we’ve got a farm to argue in’ stage of things. However, one fateful day I took a leap of faith and dived into this zombie-tastic show and didn’t resurface till I had polished off two and half seasons – just in time from the mid-season break to start up again.
I could go on and on about how much I love this show and how it’s inspired me to make a map of the fastest route from my house to the Isle of Skye – I figured in Britain this would be the safest place to wait out the zombies – but above my map making days is my love of Daryl Dixon. Thick southern accent, vest shirts, cheek bones and the ability to kill some animals with his hands… oh how I could go on.
In the show he has a thing with this woman Carol, though they’ve not made it past the flirty-flirty side of things, which makes me think if I were to magically transport into the show he would be sexual frustrated enough to be tempted by my pale, British piece of ass.
Of course then I would also be in a zombie apocalypse so would probably die before he even unslung his crossbow #tragic.
Thanks to tumblr for providing these knicker-dropping images.
 Okay maybe not thousands, but at least a baker’s dozen.