Man Porn: The Hotties of the British National Gallery

Man Porn has taken a bit of a back seat on this blog lately. A while ago, I wrote a piece on the ‘No More Page 3’ debate, my stance being – Um, stop doing that, you twats, you. And then, people who had read that article also flicked through my other posts and came across the beautiful penis of Michael Fassbender. One of these wanderers commented saying – How can you say no to breasts? And yes to cock?

Well being a heterosexual woman for one helps, but more than that, I don’t see Man Porn as the soulless degradation that Page 3 is. Those women don’t have careers, they don’t have opinions, they don’t make art – they are objects. Michael Fassbender, even after getting his tackle out in Shame, could express his opinion in a newspaper and people would listen, they would respect him. However, if Becky from Page 3 stepped into a conference, you can bet people would snigger at the idea she had anything useful to say – even though, as a human being, she probably does.

But in an attempt to avoid objectifying another person, I figured you can’t make an object out of an object. So here they are the fitties of the National Gallery. A few months back, after failing to get onto stage 2 of IBM’s assessment day (cheers guys for the future unemployment), I found myself  in the National Gallery, killing time and I thought to myself – Holy fuck, some of these guys are HOT!

I mean, it’s a good thing oil paint repels water because these sex beasts are GETTING ME WET!

And so, as this an educational blog as well as a sexy blog (it is sexy, right) I can think of no better man porn, than this men from times gone by. Really, it’s not surprising so many people got VD back then – HELLO!

In his life time, Charles was not as valued as his physically stronger elder brother, Henry Frederick, but it seemed Henry wasn’t all the man he claimed to be and was quickly bumped off by a nasty case of typhoid. And nothing adds sex appeal like the ability to avoid bacterial diseases.

This portrait by Anthony van Dyck of the ‘Equestrian Portrait of Charles I’ has got me going all Fifty Shades of NHEY! His servant seems preoccupied with giving Charles his helmet, but I’m more concerned with seeing Charles helmet, if you know what I mean… I’m talking about his penis.

I say, is the portrait of ‘A Young Man Drinking’ trying to get me drunk? I don’t know what this bar is serving, but I respect a man that hordes his booze in menacing black jars. The leaves in hair suggest some rough and tumble in the shrubbery – and he should see my shrubbery, if you know what I mean… I’m talking about my vagina.

Painted by Joseph-Nicolas-Blaise Forlenze (you know what they say, big tripled barrelled name, big…) this is the portrait of Dr. Forlenze. A doctor you say… I’m willing to play doctors and nurses, if you are Dr. Forlenze. I can tell by the way your pants billow, like pre-historic MC Hammer pants, that you’ve got all the right medical equipment, if you know what I mean… I’m talking about his penis.

Painted before Louise-Auguste became a Baron (I love a man with power) this portrait of Eugène Delacroix got me excited in my Delacrotch. From his big vase, to his shiny shoes, this Eugène knows what the ladies want. He looks like a hipster version of Mr. Darcy, and we all know that billowing tail-coat is just trying to cover up his other tail-coat, if you know what I mean… I’m talking about his cock.

If you like a bit of mystery, this ‘Portrait of a Man’ (or as I like to call it, the Portrait of ALL MAN!) dating from 1630-70, is positively Batman in its mystery. Little is known about this subject or the artist, other than it was probably painting by an Italian and we all know there ain’t nothing wrong with a bit of Italian spicy sausage, if you know what I mean… I’m talking about delicious pork products that have been expertly flavoured with Italian seasoning, get your mind out of the gutter!

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