My bags are packed, the hotel and flights sorted, and at the bottom of my suitcase is a nipple-less, crotchless, see through underwear thing that I have on good authority (the Ann Summer’s lady who sold it to me) is FIT. I am, in all senses of the word, prepared for my sexy holiday with the Boyfriend.
Then I get my period.
Nothing stops fun faster than the phrase ‘I think my period just started’. If a period could be any fictional character, it would be Miss Muriel Finster from the show Recess. You know, that old crone in the yellow dress that lived to stop kids having a good time. That is a period personified. Nobody liked Miss Finster and NOBODY likes a period. Except maybe vampires, which, while we’re on the subject, do you think Bella Swan got more head BECAUSE of her period? Is that why women love vampires so much? Because of the muff buffet that would occur once a month?
|Behold! Your period in cartoon form!
Needless to say, unlike Bella Swan, with old Flow in tow, my sexual activities would not be increasing. They would be grinding to a halt because, by my boyfriend’s admission, periods are ‘icky’ and ‘gross’. Which, okay, they are a little bit, but I paid £200 expecting to get some lovin’. I NEED MY LOVIN’!
But after much swatting away and loud cries of ‘GET YOUR DISEASED VAGINA AWAY FROM ME’ I excepted that sex wasn’t on the table for the holiday, which meant only one unthinkable thing: we would have to do OTHER things, like, together and stuff.
For the benefit of all the other women out there, who might be staring at their bloodied underwear and thinking it’s the end of the world, I’m going to share with you what I learned on my unsexy weekend. Because apparently, before sex was invented in 1973, couples actually had fun together without bumping uglies. I know weird, right?
|I googled ‘holiday’ and this is what I got. This to me looks like a badly positioned umbrella, there’s not even a sun bed…
1) You can talk to each other about… things, like interests.
Me: “So… you like to play Frisbee.”
Me: “Dogs play Frisbee.”
Him: “Are you calling me a dog?”
Me: “No, but I do like dogs.”
Him: “That’s nice.”
Me: “Do you like dogs?”
Him: “I prefer cats.”
Me: “… You’re a cat person?”
Him: “Yeah, why?”
Me: *shudders deeply*
2) You can exercise together.
Him: “RUN FASTER!”
Me: “I can’t my legs are dying…”
Him: “I SAID RUN!”
Me: “I CAN’T!”
Him: “RUN YOU PUSSY!”
Me: “I WANT TO DIE!”
Him: “YOU ARE WEAK! WEAK!”
Me: *cries deeply.*
3) Bake a cake or something.
Me: “This needs more sugar.”
Him: “Sugar makes you fat.”
Me: “Are you calling me fat?”
Me: “I think you are.”
Him: “Well if you ate a lot of sugar you might get fat.”
Me: “I do eat a lot of sugar. So I’m therefore fat.”
Him: “That’s not tr-“
Me: “You think I’m fat, you think I’m a big tub of lard.”
Him: “No…I was just saying…Just… No…”
Me: “I hate you.”
Me: *Eats a bag of sugar*
4) Look at the pretty sea together.
Me: “It’s very blue.”
Me: “Like… very blue and big.”
Me: “The big blue.”
Me: “I can’t believe you called me fat.”
Him: *sighs deeply*
And there you have it; you’ve just had an amazing holiday without the need for sex. Kinda…