Five Gift Ideas Better Than Rape Babies

The news lately has been making me really sad, especially when I think about Christmas. Not just any Christmas, but sad for the Christmases that will be had by the Republican party. Why? Because judging from the news, I’m not entirely sure they understand what a gift is. Or female anatomy, but that’s a different thing.

Any of you who have not been living under a rock this last week, will know that the tea party Republican Todd Akin made a very questionable statement on the subject of rape and abortion.

“From what I understand from doctors… if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

Now while I enjoy the idea that our vagina’s, much like  Enterprise D from Star Trek, having an in built force field which repels rape sperm – I’m assuming while we, mid-rape, cry out ‘FORCE FIELDS UP MR. WORF!’; I’m not too convinced that this is the case. So thank God that fellow Republican Sharon Barnes was able to weigh in and clarify the situation.

Of course how she clarified it was by saying, that, rather than debunk the fact of women getting pregnant from rape (though she say that it doesn’t happen that frequently – tell that to the 30,000+ who do end up pregnant Barnes) what Akin was trying to say was that if you do end up pregnant through rape that: “God has chosen to bless this person with a life.”

And this is why I’m concerned for the Republican Christmas, because a rape baby, in my mind, is not an ideal gift. Not from God, and certainly not from your Uncle. So now, for the sake of the little Akin’s and baby Barnes’, I would like to suggest other alternatives.

1. Scented Candles 

Why is it a good gift? It’s not a product of a mentally damaging sexual assault, but rather a result of scented oils and calming zen. And it comes in comes in a decorative tin – winner.

2. Slippers 

Why is it a good gift? While 40% of adults and 31% of children never disclose any acts of rape against themselves, and therefore never get the support they need, slippers offer your feet 100% support for your tired arches. I like this pair because they have puppies on them – also puppies make a great gift, two in one.

3.  Snuggie 

Why is it a good gift?  In 2003-2004 the overall cost to society of sexual offense was estimated to be £8.5 billion, with each rape costing over £76,000, due to long term health issues faced by the victim. The snuggie costs £10 and is both a blanket and a  piece of clothing, that if you either have no shame, or are having a break-up, can be worn on the streets with pride. Also you can pretend to be a ghost while wearing it, a very comfy ghost.

4. A Back Massager

Why is it a good gift? Many people believe that the greatest threat of rape comes from a stranger. In fact, the chances are more in favour of a woman being raped by someone she knows – a friend, a co-worker, even a family member or spouse. With a Back Massager, the only inappropriate touching going on, is you to you. And let’s face it, we all know you won’t be using this on your back.

5. A Hair Mask

Why is it a good gift? Only 15% of people over the age of 16 report rape when it occurs, from this 15% less that 6% of cases will result in prosecution  and a conviction. With this fancy hair mask, you can sentence your split ends to bad hair prison a 100% of the time – result!

The joking nature of this article aside, rape is a very serious issue. By Politian’s dusting it under the carpet with remarks like ‘legitimate’ rape and ideas that women have vaginas like ducks (which incidentally have evolved to resist rape), it becomes that much harder for women to admit to having been raped and in seeking help.

All the facts in this article were gathered from There are many more articles, and many more statistics out there for you to read. So for the sake of society, I urge everyone to dust up their knowledge on this subject. And on the impositions the Republican Party are proposing on the rights of women in America. 

3 thoughts on “Five Gift Ideas Better Than Rape Babies

  1. I'm sure this kind of under informed spew comes from the same inteligencia that agreed to mark the charts of the world with 'Here be Monsters'.Although I agree in principle that human rights and right to life is a good thing, we really need to move on from the dark ages in the application of the idealsAlthough this is bound to open a whole can of worms, I say bring back corporal punishment for rapist and molesters. With the advances in modern criminology I'm sure we can improve the records of years past.Although health and safety exects will probably demand safety rails and nets, ‘cause one could get injured falling from the gallows.

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