Vagina, it’s a funny old word. When we were younger, just the mere mention of it would send a classroom into fits of giggles. ‘Vagina’, we would snigger. The only thing funnier was ‘boobs’ and ‘penis’ and even then it was a close call.
To clarify, for any children reading this, vagina and penis were only funny words. One time a boy asked me to go under the table and pick up his pen, but when I did I just found his penis there, waiting for me, like a tiny pink predator. I did not find it funny – though he found it hilarious, so maybe it is funny, but only if you’re on one side of it.
But we’re all adults now, those days of vagina being a taboo word are long behind us. What can be more confirming of your age than plonking yourself down with your lady friends and saying: ‘God guys my vagina is a bitch, thrush for the second time this month.’ Or sitting with your peers and having a fiery debate over the recent issues of abortion – ‘My vagina, my rules’.
Yes, thank God for adulthood for reconciling us with our vagina brethren.
Oh but wait, what’s this in the news? A female politician was banned from speaking again on the State House floor because she said the word ‘vagina’ in a debate about abortion? Well bugger me, I had no idea we’re still living in Victorian England – I guess vagina is off the table.
|Vaginagate in a nutshell. Yes I drew this, aren’t I talented?|
Of course, any of you with access to the news and this story will know what a load of hooey (yeah, that’s right, I said it) all this is. But let’s not forget, the same people who banned this woman from speaking, were also the ones campaigning for restrictions on abortion; and by restrictions, I mean that there shouldn’t be any. So in a way, can we really be surprised that they turned out to be vagina-phobes?
But whether or not any of us were surprised by this blatant act of dumbassery, doesn’t erase the feelings of disappointment myself, and every other feminist out there, experienced when this story came to light. Sure we like to think we live in a modern society, one of equal rights, equal pay, and puppies and rainbows. But reluctantly, stories like this force us to admit that we still live in a world where the word vagina is still seen as gross, obscene, and ‘so offensive, I don’t even want to say it in front of women.’
And this is where I come in, because in the next 5-10 minutes (depending on how fast you read) I will prove once and for all that vaginas are awesome, and not just slimy, icky things between a woman’s legs. WOMEN, LET US RECLAIM THE WORD VAGINA AND ASSOCIATE IT WITH AWESOMNESS!
|Things are about to get fishy.|
Awesome vagina fact number one:
Both vaginas and sharks share a substance called squalene. It exists within a shark’s liver and is the natural vaginal lubricant. Which means a shark is, like, the vaginas SPIRIT ANIMAL! Instant coolness right there.
Awesome vagina fact number two:
Pubic hair is not just there as a convenient hand warmer or an excuse to pay £30 for some Polish woman to spread your legs and torture, I mean, wax you. In the cave man days it served as an advertisement to potential mates that you were fertile and ready for a good bonking, I mean, child bearing. Which makes public hair the first known classified ad, like those Woman seeking Man sections in the metro – only hairier.
Awesome vagina fact number three:
All those rumours you heard about at 16 are true – your vagina can fall out. The condition is known as pelvic prolapsed, and basically means that your vagina can turn inside out and hang between your legs. This mostly happens as you get older. Why is this awesome? Four words: Old lady vagina conkers. Imagine, two old ladies swinging their descended vaginas against each other in glorious combat. We could put it up on Sky Sports or something.
Awesome vagina fact number four:
The word ‘vagina’ comes from the Latin root meaning “sheath for a sword” – which is FUCKING EPIC! Okay granted, not as epic as actually being the sword itself, but still, health and safety people. The vagina is medival health and safety. And now none of you will ever be able to take any period drama seriously because all you’ll be thinking about is vagina.
“Sheath your swords gentlemen” is now “VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA gentlemen.” Slowly but surely the vagina will brainwash the world, or at the very least Britain, because we love a mother fucking period drama like no one’s business.
Also note the irony that it’s a called a period drama.
Awesome vagina fact number five:
This last fact isn’t actually a fact, but more of a vagina award (because I believe in giving praise where praise is due). Back in 2009, Michael Hariprem had claimed the World Record for most orgasms in one sitting, standing in with 31 big ones. Then in the 2009 Masturbate-a-thon in Denmark (Scandinavia has the best festivals) one woman decided she had had enough of men dominating everything and took matter into her own hands – literally.
Deanna Webb managed to rub out 226 orgasms in one sitting, winning not only that year’s competition but also the World Record. She owned Michael’s record with such style, that usually I would say she deserves an award; but I’m guessing after 226 orgasms, even three years on she’s probably still quite happily.
So here’s to you Deanna Webb and your over-achieving vagina! And to all the other vaginas everywhere – you’re all awesome and not just slimy, icky things between a woman’s legs!
Also, has the word vagina stopped sounding like a word to anyone else now?